Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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