I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So much rum. So many feels.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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