Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
