I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I came so hard my ears popped.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
