Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
