Your tits are I can't wait for
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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