I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize