Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
