Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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