i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
