I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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