if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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