i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
