I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
