We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
