The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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