No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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