Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
