I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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