John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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