You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
