I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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