My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
