I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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