So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
