Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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