Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
