i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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