i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You were trust falling into bushes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
