i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
