i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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