Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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