Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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