Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
