Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
