Sponge bath it is.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
