my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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