everyone is single if you try hard enough
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize