I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
