I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
handjob tips. give me some.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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