We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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