Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
