So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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