Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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