i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
