We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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