dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
