Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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