If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
