You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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