i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
