dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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