I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
