I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
