i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
