i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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