there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
