Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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