He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
