I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
