either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
