remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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