my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
