he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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