he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize